Exploring Sexuality After Violence

Now that we’ve loosened up with breathing, movement and coloring, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. In the previous edition of the Students Guide to Radical Healing, we explored sex and pleasure activism. This edition, we want to talk about sexuality and our relationship to sex and intimacy, especially after experiencing violence.

We will be delving into sexuality, healing, and violence and if you’re not ready to have processed these topics that is okay. You will continue to have access to this zine for when you’re ready.

There can be a lot of anxiety, fear, and confusion around sexuality and/or intimacy after experiencing violence. You may feel pressure from a partner, peers, or just the world to engage in sexual activities after experiencing violence to “prove you’re healing”. It’s important to note that sexual desire is not inherent and there are many people who do not experience sexual desire. Whether you identify as Asexual, Demisexual or are still exploring, it’s important to know that whatever your preferences, they are valid.

It’s not uncommon for the sexuality of folks impacted by sexual violence to be analyzed and for assumptions to be made. While our experiences may shape the ways in which we navigate the world, your sexuality is your own. If you find your sexuality shifting or you begin to explore new aspects of your sexuality after sexual violence, it’s important to remind yourself that it’s okay, it’s still yours and it’s absolutely valid. Whether you explore your queerness, new roles or positions, or you have no interest in sex, there is nothing wrong with you. And, as a reminder, healing is not linear, the way you feel today may change tomorrow, the next day, next month, or next year.

Sex is not the only form of intimacy. It is absolutely possible to be intimate with another person(s) in nonsexual ways. And romantic partners are not the only people you can have intimacy with. Some ways to explore intimacy with another person may be:

• Holding hands
• Trying a new hobby together
• A long hug or sharing a sweet glance
• Reading your favorite book or poem aloud
• Sharing your favorite song or creating a playlist together
• Checking in and sharing how your day was

Know that it is ALWAYS okay to change your mind. There is no harm in exploring what you like, the important thing is that consent is present at all times. It is possible for someone who has experienced violence to perpetuate it. So it’s important to be mindful of checking in with your partner(s) just as they should be checking in with you.

Ideas to start exploring your sexuality after violence may be:

1. Reconnect with your body. You may feel completely disconnected to your physical body which can make any form of intimacy intimidating and uncomfortable. Take your time to intentionally reconnect with your body, over time you will regain that sense of safety.
2. Explore yourself. Remember that there is NO timeline for this. If you’re ready in a day, a month, years later, it doesn’t matter. Once you feel more connected to your body, you can start exploring this tool, Afrosexology’s Solo Sex: A Workbook for Your Erotic Self.
3. Check-in. Before being intimate check-in with yourself. Reflection questions:
   • What’s going on in my body right now?
   • Do I feel safe?
   • What do I need right now?
   • If how I feel changes, what is my plan to ground myself?

Also check-in with your partner(s). Remember you don’t have to disclose your trauma. Sharing your boundaries and needs may alleviate some anxiety and fear or give your partner(s) a chance to share their own.

We have covered a lot of information in this zine, which can stir up many emotions. Whatever you are feeling is valid, but we hope you have felt inspired by something in the zine. The next section is a photo submission from a Care Advocate who wanted to share a snippet of what healing looks like for him. We can’t think of a better way to close out this zine…